Feeling Hopeful

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Day 2

I’ve been thinking about my history with infertility today. If you’re going to follow this blog, you may want to be brought  up to date. I’ll try to do so as briefly as possible.

At the end of 2010, after trying to conceive naturally for a year, my OB-GYN threw the obligatory Clomid at me for 3 months and then sent me on my way to a fertility specialist at Fertility Centers of New England. The specialist, Dr. R. Ian Hardy, was a very kind man. Warm smiles and firm handshakes. Everyone in his practice was that way. I had never been to such a friendly office.

There were a few times I saw a dark side of him come out, though. Once he berated a new nurse for walking into the procedure room without announcing herself and giving me her name. Another time, he got ill-tempered with me for moving in discomfort during a procedure. I knew how that nurse felt.

As the failed IVFs went on, it seemed the smiles faded, too. As I look back now, I realize I was bringing this guy’s numbers down. After the 4th failure, he sternly told me my eggs were no good. I don’t know how he put it but my mind translated it to being told I have “rotten eggs”. (I’m going with “scrambled” on this blog in an attempt to be nicer to myself (something that all IVFers need to do))! At this point, he began pushing donor eggs on me, telling me it was my only option. Something felt off. Forced. I had to think about all of this, not to mention make a decision after I had healed somewhat from my latest failure.

About 2 months later I received an email that Dr. Hardy retired. I thought this odd since he was fairly young, but what did I know? I went back to meet with my new doctor, the owner of the practice, Dr. Hill. He went through the donor egg procedure with me and I was very overwhelmed. I remember leaning over his desk and saying, “And this is it? This is my only option?” He hesitated, stammered, opened my file, and fumbled through it. Oh good, he was prepared, I thought. “Well, no, actually, there is one protocol that has not been tried on you that we would typically use on someone like you.”

I felt like a guinea pig. I was tired. Confused. BUT I WENT BACK! I thought sure I’ll do another one! I had my exam to get started and was put to an immediate halt. Uterine polyp. Most likely from all the previous medications. I would have to have surgery first.

The next morning I sat up in bed, grabbed my iPad, and googled that practice. I needed reviews. But I never got to any reviews because my first page of Google was filled with articles about my retired doctor. Dr Hardy, it turns out, is no longer practicing medicine because he is being investigated for molesting his patients while they’re under anesthesia and while they’re perfectly conscious. Dr. R. Ian Hardy, it turns out, is not a very kind man.

I never went back.

So, why so hopeful today?

I have a fabulous new fertility doctor! I have a fabulous new ob-gyn! Both of which listen to me and make time for me in all of my appointments.  Both of which are optimistic about us making a baby. I have a husband that has held on tight on this roller-coaster and a kitty that comforts me whenever I need it. My journey is full of love from friends and family and I really feel it today. Best of all I have my faith which seemed to be rotting along with my eggs but in reality has only been enhanced by all of this.

I just hope I still feel this way on day 26.

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