More mind games today.
During yesterday’s call from my nurse, she informed me that the doctor wanted to wait another day before “triggering”. Only one of my follicles was at 18mm. They like to have at least 2 around that size plus the appropriate hormone levels. That meant going in again early this morning for another blood and ultrasound. Of course, I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m guessing it’s the medication because I am always tired, but my eyes are like an owl’s at night. I’ve also had a lot more dreams since starting the meds, dreams that make me feel like I’m only half asleep.
After today’s tests, the nurse called to say that IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR THE TRIGGER SHOT!! Those ovaries will be told tonight that they gotta start letting go so that the eggs can be snatched up on Saturday. The bad news: I have to take the shot at midnight. On the dot.
I wanted to cry.
All morning I day dreamed of a 9 o’clock bedtime. I even rescheduled my shrink appointment for this evening so I wouldn’t do anything to get me wound up before bed. The nurse went on, though: Egg retrieval is scheduled for 11:00 am on Saturday. I will need to be there at 9:30. There are no other shots besides the trigger until after the retrieval.
Praise the Lord! This means I can sleep in tomorrow and have a day off of shots and sleep in on Saturday! So while I labored through the day with a brain full of mush, my spirits were up.
Still, I am full of mixed emotions tonight.
There is the excited and hopeful part of me that has been thinking about how my eggs have had more time than before to mature and develop. Then there is the nervous part of me that has been remembering my third IVF where I went through everything up through the fertilization of the eggs. Only none of my eggs fertilized. That was it. End of IVF #3. No signs, no warning, just: surprise! And surprise from the insurance company, too: that counts as a full IVF! (I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised about an insurance company, though.)
It was difficult to recover from that disappointment.
That’s the thing with all these appointments, whether they are anywhere from Pre-IVF to Post, anything can happen. I have gone to an appointment thinking I was going to start an IVF right away, only to find out I have had a cyst sitting on my ovary for who-knows-how-long. I have also gone there ready to hear that my case is hopeless, only to be told that everything looks “normal”. In this life, I constantly feel like I am dancing down a fine line between comfortable and a nervous-wreck.
I hope to stay on the side of the line that is comfortable, positive, and hopeful. I tried to hold onto that desire as I looked out our third floor window at the sunset tonight. I thought of how that sky means nice weather tomorrow and I thought how lucky I will be to have nice weather on what is probably my last day to swim in the ocean, my favorite part of summer. (After the egg retrieval: no swimming allowed!)
So, tonight I am looking forward to the trigger-shot despite its huge, intimidating needle that has to spike my butt-cheek. It means we are one step closer to… something. It means my ovaries and eggs will quit making me feel like they are playing tug-of-war in my belly. It also means I can go to bed.