Numbers

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It is amazing what sleep can do for a person. I was a little wound up after my trigger-shot last night, but my husband did some relaxation therapy with me using visualization. My shrink has had me practicing this to prepare for the embryo transfer (which gives me anxiety due to previous pain). After an imaginary trip to the beach and the woods, I was out. Unfortunately, I have trained myself to awaken early for these morning appointments, but this morning when I did, I joyfully returned back to my slumber. After I got up for real, we headed out the door and took a 3 minute drive to one of the beaches in our city. It was warm already but with the cool breeze of autumn trying to creep in.

I soaked in the saltwater, the sun, every bit of summer still lingering in the air. It has stayed with me all day. It’s difficult to explain how lovely the morning swim was but when I sent a text to my husband later in the day saying, “Remember swimming this morning??” he summed it up best with his reply, “A heavenly memory”.

I am hoping I can take this peace with me, all the way to the end. Many times what steals my peace is when I run “the numbers”.

This is the way I think:

I’m 34. I should have had 3 kids by now, maybe be adopting a 4th. If I get pregnant now, I will be 70 when my kid is my age. My mom is 55 now. I’m going to miss a lot of my kid’s life! I will be 35 in 3 months and that is when the doctors stop telling you that you’re still young. I have been with my husband 13 years, married 9, trying to get pregnant for 6. Pretty soon we will have been trying to conceive longer than not.

Then there are other numbers:

This is my 6th IVF. Last time I had 15 eggs. 7 fertilized. 2 developed into healthy embryos. Zero stuck. What about the last 5 IVFs and their numbers? What about my hormone levels?

There are more numbers: how long I exercised, how long I slept, how many vitamins I took.

Even when I am trying to relax, I have been told to count the length of my breath. And honestly, these are just a fraction of the numbers that run through my head on a daily basis.

My goal this time is that, whatever the outcome, I start letting go of the numbers and “what should have been”. Who made up these numbers? Me. I have been making up rules with these numbers. Rules about who I am and who I should be. In the past I’ve made myself a slave to them. I live in fear that I won’t live up to these ideals. A slave to fear.

The only freedom I have found from this slavery is from really believing that God’s ideal for me is to simply be his child. I don’t need to be exactly like my neighbor or my friend. In comparing myself to others, I am only forgetting the gifts I have been given. In worrying about “the numbers”, I am only forgetting the Father’s desire to bless his child.

I say this like it’s a done deal, something I have mastered.

No, no, no.

These are truths I have learned in the past year that I am trying to remind myself over and over again. I want to master them. I want to master them because the feeling inside of me when I remember these truths is so incredible, so weightless… so selfless. It leaves no room for jealousy, envy, revenge, or misery.

Believing in my place in God’s family leaves me at peace.

You all have brought me great peace these past 11 days. I have cherished every email, text, phone call, voice mail, visit, and blog comment. I have gone before into an egg retrieval with hope and happiness, but I have never gone into one with so much love and support. I am grateful to God for all of you, strangers and friends. You have reminded me once again that there’s nothing to fear.

I guess it’s more than sleep that is amazing!

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4 thoughts on “Numbers

  1. crying in my livingroom christina. i love you and am praying for you and the zobitas hanging out in the hospital right now. oxoxoxox

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