The Helpers


*Hubby and I found this the day before our egg retrieval, peeking out from under some stones at the beach. There are people out there that want to give 🙂

Day 16

During this and last IVF procedure, the doctors decided that they weren’t taking any chances. They were bringing out the big guns: ICSI and Assisted Hatching. My previous fertility center would always tell me they were going to use ICSI on my next IVF, but then never did. When I asked why, they would tell me I didn’t need it. It’s amazing how vulnerable I was back then. Why did I stay there so long?! Why does anyone stay in an abusive situation, I guess.

ICSI stands for Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection. It means that the embryologist selects a specific sperm and manually fertilizes the egg by injecting the sperm into it. This is opposed to putting a lot of sperm into a dish with one egg and letting it do its thing. I guess in the past, my eggs have been either too lazy or too stuck up to let those spermies in. Probably too lazy because now we’re also helping these embryos hatch once they are fertilized. When an embryo is developing, its cells are multiplying inside a thin layer called the zona pellicuda. This layer has to hatch open in order for the embryo to attach to the lining of the uterus and continue to develop. In Assisted Hatching, a small hole is made in the zona pellicuda and then an acidified solution is used to help start the hatching process. Apparently I need someone to do everything for me. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child 🙂

Today I had some help around the house. I decided to have someone come clean our house before all of this goes down tomorrow. I wanted to feel comfortable and relaxed all weekend and not have any to-dos lingering over my head so, I asked my boss’s regular cleaning woman to come do our house. This woman has the kindest heart and gentlest personality. When I told her why I needed her, she told me in her beautiful broken English: “I pray for you. God is powerful to give you victory in this treatment.” She just said it. What a woman. Then she tried to give me the cleaning as a “gift” for my “procedure”! (I added our gift of kindness from the beach to her tip. Thanks Cath Fonzo!) She cleaned my house and my attitude.

Tonight I had some help around the mind; I went to therapy. We talked about what a pessimist I am. I always thought I was a realist, but it turns out that good things can really happen, too!

Talking about the outcome of this IVF in a positive way is really difficult for me. I was practically cringing trying to do it in his office. I was reminded of how much I have been trying to control things in my mind… my entire life. We talked about it from a psychological perspective and then a spiritual one. Looking at it either way, my techniques have not helped me.

I feel inspired by these two people today, my cleaning lady and therapist. They both put themselves out there to lift me up and carry me a little further on this journey. Both were servants. Servants of a higher master.

Mr. Rogers has a quote that you have probably heard before. I have heard it many times but it never stops making me feel hopeful in the goodness of humanity.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'”

Good thing; I need all the help I can get.


One thought on “The Helpers

  1. I love your writing and I know in my heart this is a good cycle , so many things have improved…..I will pray for you, good luck with the transfer …a helper!

    Liked by 1 person

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