The Embryo That I Love

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Day 17

This morning the alarm went off early and the traffic was its usual mess going into Boston, but I wasn’t letting anything ruin my mood. I explained my feelings last night to my therapist as being similar to my wedding day. Everyday leading up to my wedding day I was running around working on making the big day the best it could be. Then I woke up on my wedding day and said to myself, “This is it. I did everything I could to make this work. I am not going to miss the enjoyment of it by being stressed out all day.” And enjoy it, I did.

I wasn’t worried today. I didn’t concern myself with the pain I might be feeling soon or the fact that we might be late because of the unending traffic. Once in the waiting room, I pointed out to my husband who the doctor on duty was, but I didn’t feel let down that I was unfamiliar with the name. And I didn’t get a lump in my stomach when my name was called to go in. I felt peace today. After I got dolled up in my hospital garb, I was able to sit calmly behind the privacy curtain waiting for a nurse to bring me into the procedure room.

When that moment had arrived, the curtain was swished open and standing there was MY doctor. Immediately I began clapping as if I was on the Price is Right and they had revealed the brand new car. Dr. S. explained that she was not on duty but that she suited up specifically for me. Man, did I have to fight back tears hearing that. One of my advocates, one of my helpers, one of my blessings!

We moved to the procedure room, and before they got me situated on the table I explained to them that this procedure is very painful for me and that it is best if they don’t try to talk to me during it. Last time as I was gritting my teeth in agony, one of the ladies was frantically trying to make chit-chat.

“So, what do you like to do for fun?” she asked in a chipper voice.

“ANYTHING BUT THIS!!!!!!!!” I wanted to scream.

For some people the distractions might be nice, but for me it is better if I concentrate on breathing and positive thinking. Plus, these people are all wearing masks and standing from my waist down. Since I have hearing loss, I end up stressed out trying to listen and figure out what they’re saying on top of everything else. Ben even told the lady last time that it was better not to talk to me and she just kept right on yapping away.

My doctor today said, “I’m glad you said something because I’m a talker!” I felt relieved.

My therapist really encouraged me to think ahead of time about what I needed to make this experience most comfortable and to speak up before it’s too late. I was reminded by him that it is the doctor’s job to help you through your medical care. There is no reason to sit quietly, suffering, if you don’t have to.

They brought out the embryo, showed us the picture, and began to explain… something. I wasn’t really listening because, a) I had taken a valium (at the doctor’s request) and, b) I was waiting for a break in her speech to ask my questions.

How is it? How is the quality? Is it good? Is it okay? How does it look?

They always dodge these questions, but I always ask.

Dr. S. replied, “It’s adorable!”

This wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but they assured me everything was good. If this doesn’t work, at least I can say I had an adorable embryo once. Personally I would have never paired that word with that picture, but it sounds positive so I’ll take it.

Now for the amazing part.

I laid back on that table, and the procedure began. I breathed deeply. When I felt my legs tightening, I let them loose again. I breathed deeply and stared at that cheap, boring hospital ceiling until I think I was crossed eyed. No one talked to me. Just me, my breath, and my husband holding my hand. Just like we had visualized and practiced over and over again prior to it.

Then all of a sudden, they pointed to the monitor, where they were using ultrasound to guide the catheter into my uterus, and said, “that spot is where the embryo is.”

“It’s done??”

I was in disbelief.

What has never happened before did: I didn’t feel anything. And yet, I started to feel everything. Every feeling that is good. I felt every bit of love from every person I know and from my faithful Father.

I don’t know what it was. Some will say prayer, some will say positive thinking, breathing, and practice. Some will say Dr. S. is probably really good. I think they’re all right.

If this embryo doesn’t stick, I know at the very least, I have so much love and support in my life. I know I am not a failure. I know that I am not alone in this life. Hopefully, I will be able to pass those values onto others. Most of all I really hope it sticks, and I can pass them onto my child one day.

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