Emotionally, today has been my most difficult day this cycle. I felt myself getting down last night and thought that if I just went to bed, I would feel better in the morning. That’s usually how it goes for me if I’m feeling a little blue at night. But I woke up feeling worse. Maybe it was the weather; the first really dreary day in a while. More likely, though, it was the hormones. Sometimes I think they should be spelled with a Wh-.
Yesterday I had decided to take today off of work because I wasn’t feeling very well physically. Today I ended up in bed most of the morning nursing my mind. I tried to stay positive and faithful, but it was like I had two brains arguing inside my head. The rational one and the whormone one. I began to get anxious about my entire IVF.
It was fortunate that today was my therapy day. I found some release in getting all my emotions out there, asking all my stupid questions, and just having a good cry in a safe environment. I shared some things that I never have before regarding my fears associated with never being able to have a biological child. It’s not something I feel able to get specific about on the Internets, but I am glad I shared them with someone. I can feel the difference it has made already.
I think in one of my earlier entries, I mentioned how if we don’t share our stories with people, we will always feel disconnected and alone. It was true for me today. My feelings had me thinking I was odd or not normal but once I shared them, I felt some healing start. It doesn’t mean we have to share our stories with everyone or with strangers, but someone.
Since I started this blog, I can’t tell you how many women have told me that they have suffered a miscarriage and most of them also don’t talk about it with anyone. I’ve lost count. And I’m not judging them. I get it! I’m more concerned that history or society (I don’t know what to call it), something has made it so a lot of women don’t talk about these kinds of issues because they feel ashamed. Maybe their reasons for feeling ashamed vary, but I’ve never heard one that was justified.
I cry for these women and pray for them. Then I look up to them. Do you know what a miscarriage is? If you think it’s “losing a baby”, I highly suggest doing a little research on the subject. Women are amazing people. Many go through real hardships… alone. If anything comes of this blog, I hope that it will help people talk to each other more or at least talk to a professional. Men, too!
When my husband got home from work, he shared that he has having a bit of a rough day himself. We went through each other’s tough-stuff and without realizing it, we ended up laughing and being ridiculous before the conversation was over. Neither one of us “solved” anything, but had we internalized our day, who knows how the rest of the night would have played out.
Thomas Merton has always been a favorite of mine. A lover of truth, beauty, solitude, and community. He has numerous writings about loneliness versus solitude and how learning the difference can ultimately affect how we interact in community with others. He can also sum up my ramblings regarding how important relationships are, in a much more eloquent matter:
Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another.
Finding out the meaning of life sounds pretty good to me, and doing it with others, even better.