Last night I really wanted to write a blog. I have really wanted to keep up on it everyday for this cycle. However, yesterday I really felt I had nothing left in my body to give out. It was as if my reservoir was completely drained. I thought for a moment about pushing through, I thought how lame it was to skip a day; I have to write an entry everyday! Then I thought about my entry called Numbers where I asked: Who made these rules? I realized that here I am again making up standards that are only stressing me out. So I gave myself a break. I have no regrets 🙂
The big day of my pregnancy test (aka beta) is coming soon. Wednesday. I feel it creeping in on me, somewhat like a black cloud. I guess it’s just hard for me, at this point, to believe it might be positive. It has been common for me in previous IVFs to already begin planning my next IVF in my mind. I think about what vitamins I will take, starting an exercise regimen, how often I will go to acupuncture. I start planning these things for a few reasons. I need to have something to distract me in these final days, I need to have a plan in place so I can immediately distract myself once I get the bad news, and ultimately, I need to feel in control again because for so many days I have felt like I have been surrendering my body to something else. The problem is figuring out how to surrender to God and trust in his goodness. If I were doing those two things then I wouldn’t find myself grieving before I should be.
A friend sent me an email about grief from another site called Sarah’s Laughter about an hour after my therapist told me that what I was describing to him was grief. It is an odd thing to grieve something that hasn’t existed yet. But once a month, for the past 75 months, I grieve. Some months it lasts for only a second and other months, it lingers on in my stomach… my heart. Sometimes when this happens, I cannot be around other families or children, I cannot hold your baby or listen to your stories. But it doesn’t last that long because I love other families, children, and babies! Especially those belonging to my friends who are doing such an amazing job and setting such good examples for me. As painful as it is sometimes, it would be much more painful in the long run to sever these critical lifelines I have.
I think I am a little more afraid now, at the end of this IVF, because I know it’s the last one I have covered by insurance (which I recently read has covered $11,700 worth of medication on each IVF; how grateful I am to have had it). I am falling back into old habits like believing it hasn’t worked, but when I go to distract myself with future plans, there’s nothing there. It’s hard to stay positive. It’s really hard.
For those that have grieved the loss of a child, a miscarriage, or countless failed months, I share with you a paragraph from Sarah’s Laughter:
Scripture has much to say about grief and actually helps us to define it as a process, rather than a one-time event. Grief is something that we must walk through. There is no way that we can process grief in one day, in one experience. We must walk through the stages of grief and learn every painful lesson she has to teach us. However, God has promised to walk with us through every excruciating step.
So walk through the valley of grief. Learn the lessons laid out before you. Shed the tears you need to. Lean on the Good Shepherd who promises to never leave you or forsake you. Tell Him how it hurts. Eventually you’ll see that morning is coming and your grief is lessening. You will survive the grief you feel.
I pray that I will be prepared to walk through the valley but that I won’t enter it prematurely.