Our test came back negative.
Please don’t say, “I’m sorry”. I can’t bear to hear one million of them today. Please don’t tell me about God’s Plan. While I believe in it, I can’t bear to hear that all day either. Please don’t tell me about adoption. I am very aware of what all my options are at this stage of the game and while it has always been attractive to us, even before infertility, it is not a “problem solver”.
Truth is, I’m not that upset about it right at this moment. Maybe it is because I’m about to go on a vacation or perhaps it’s because I had already gone through some grieving a few days ago when I had a hunch. That’s not to say that I won’t be sad. I’m sure it will come at some inexplicable time… or many of them. I have a friend who lost her husband only a few months after they married. She explained to me at the anniversary of his death how she wasn’t sad that day and how difficult it was to be around those who were sad. The sad moments come at those in-between-times.
On a regular, old day.
When everyone is going about their business.
After my 5th failed IVF in April, this friend (who has been traveling more since her loss) came home for a visit and asked if I wanted to get together. She was only here for a short time and realized that she had to spend one of her days going through her stuff, including wedding gifts and her husband’s clothes. I offered to help. “Helping” quickly turned into me watching in awe of this incredible woman. She got rid of a lot of difficult things… but not the clothes, of course. Those clothes must have smelled like hope and future plans. Who could part with them?
I think of her every time I go into my basement and see the two big boxes of old medication, needles, and leftover syringes. I know it is not the same situation, but it comforts me because I don’t feel weird or weak for not being able to sort through them. Some things hurt too much to even touch.
I think of that day with my friend often. I was very depressed at the time. She changed my attitude… and may have saved my life. Although it can be a struggle, I don’t think it’s very healthy to compare your life to anyone else’s, in a positive or negative way. If you think you are superior to your neighbor or less worthy than them, either way you may be harming your own well-being. Unless…
You are inspired by someone else… like I was that day with my friend.
There are so many people that inspire me.
I ran cross-country with a guy in high school that lost the use of his legs in an accident while we were still in high school; I’ve yet to see him quit being an athlete. I know a couple of people who have lost their newborn babies, one who lost their child, another who lost both her parents and brother before the age of 35. There are those I know who have suffered miscarriages, been through divorce, bankruptcy, addictions, cancer. I have a friend who lays awake at night wondering where her husband is and what he is doing while he is out serving our country… another who does the same with her husband on the police force. Everyone fighting their own battle.
These people inspire me because they are so courageous. They never give up. They always keep going. It is what I love about Jesus’ last moments here on earth. He spent those moments being courageous, moving forward, and encouraging the people surrounding him. He is the ultimate inspiration.
When considering the people that inspire you, I hope you will steer clear of the idea, “at least I don’t have that on my plate”. Instead stand in awe of people’s courage, be encouraged, and then pass that encouragement back… even pass it on to others.
I’m glad we went for it with this IVF. Mostly because I will treasure the memory of it– I think into eternity. It has been such a gift to get to feel so connected to all of you, to get messages throughout the day, to see someone following along from Australia (!), and to hear more of what is going on in your lives. I am so appreciative of your prayers that, if you could feel what it’s like to be me, you would know, they have truly been answered. You have inspired me and encouraged me, and I sit on this plane now, hoping that I can somehow pass it along to another.
In the meantime… I’m outta here!