A little over a month ago, I turned 35 (in Montreal), and my emotions seemed to well up and release like a tidal wave. All day on my birthday one phrase kept spinning round and round my brain.
Brushing my teeth: Where did the time go?
Celebrating with my husband: Where did the time go?
Sight-seeing in Montreal: Where did the time go?
Laying in bed: LORD! Where did the time go???
Humorously, on my 35th birthday, an article titled, Why didn’t anyone stop Doctor Hardy? came out in the Boston Globe about my previous doctor. You know, the one that has gotten himself into a little trouble. Thankfully, I didn’t see this article on my birthday as it may have been the thing to put me over the edge. Yet even reading it later brought to light the severity of what this man may have done. It brought to light the kind of person that may have been making major decisions about my body… while I was unconscious.
The reality of the situation is overwhelming, to say the least.
For days I ran the title of that article over and over in my head.
Brushing my teeth: Why didn’t anyone stop Doctor Hardy?
Driving to work: Why didn’t anyone stop Doctor Hardy?
Talking to strangers: Why wasn’t he STOPPED?
Lying in bed; LORD! Why didn’t YOU stop him? Where were you???
It can get ugly fast in my head.
I don’t often read the Globe, so I only found out about this article because I called my current doctor to discuss a new issue that had arisen, which I probably should explain.
After my last failed IVF and our vacation from infertility, I met with Dr. S. to discuss the cycle. She was still positive about all my results, emphasizing the fact that she believes my biggest hurdle has been that I lost a lot of time with improper treatment the past 6 years. She said she believes I am definitely a candidate for another IVF, but understood that I do not have any insurance coverage left. We parted ways agreeing that we would contact each other in the future if, A) I wanted to try something less expensive like Clomid or IUI, or B) she heard of any new advancements that I could try. A few tears were shed, but mostly warms hugs and smiles were exchanged.
Then– a dear friend’s father (a doctor) offered to review my files to give me some advice on whether it was worth it to do another IVF. This man went back to the beginning. He asked a lot of questions about my initial testing and the surgery I had to remove a cyst on my right ovary. Every time I would answer a question, he would say (in reference to Dr. Hardy’s treatment):
Well, why would he do that?
It was not a very reassuring conversation, but it was valuable. And I am exceedingly grateful for him and my friend.
So, the “new issue” that arose is that Dr. Hardy widened the opening of my Fallopian tubes when he was removing the cyst on my ovary (without telling me until after the fact). Apparently, when the tubes are open (as mine were at the time, according to my ob/gyn and even Dr. Hardy), one should never do something like “widen the opening” because it can cause scar tissue that could close them off completely. I remember asking Dr. Hardy about this very possibility during a follow-up appointment, but he immediately pooh-poohed the notion. (I will say it again for any newcomers: SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH OPINIONS FROM DOCTORS- DO IT! DO IT!) This week I will be retaking the test I took over 5 years ago to evaluate my uterus and make sure my Fallopian tubes aren’t blocked from that procedure Dr. Hardy did.
I’ve considered continuing this blog many times in the past few months, but every time I went to write I seemed to freeze up. Maybe opening up the blog page felt like facing another failure, and it hurt too much. Or maybe it was a lack of hope that kept me from feeling the desire to share my feelings. One thing I decided I did not want this blog to be is a place that is centered around negativity, and I noticed the times I recently felt like writing was when I was engulfed in negative emotions. So maybe that’s it.
I made myself read through everything from the first entry. I had to laugh because my first blog is called “Begin Again,” but now I may be doing so a bit more literally. Reading everything again was actually far more positive and therapeutic than I imagined it would be. Which just proved that my perception of myself is far too harsh!
I’m not sure what will be in store for me in 2016, but I can tell you that all of this has stolen some of the fight I had in me. Maybe that’s a good thing. I taught myself a new phrase to repeat while I brush my teeth, lay in bed, and feel the heaviness of this world coming down on my shoulders:
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
I find myself repeating it more than any other statement lately.
Please don’t think that means one should give up!
I don’t plan on giving up, but I hope to give my spirit some rest… and let God fight the bigger battles.